Things my Mother taught me

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
” Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP .
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
” Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Half the agony in living is waiting.

ครึ่งหนึ่งของความทรมานในการมีชีวิตอยู่ คือการอยู่กับการรอคอย

ยังเช้าอยู่ ปลายฤดูใบไม้ร่วง สวนสาธารณะว่างวาย
แต่ดวงใจของชายหนุ่มเต็มตื้น
เขากำลังนั่งคอย….

โต๊ะคอนกรีตยังอุ้มความเย็นของคืนวานไว้
ตอนนี้มันจึงปล่อยความสะท้านสู่กายของชายผู้นั่งตรงม้ายาว
และจิบกาแฟร้อนไล่หนาว
ต้นไม้สะบัดใบร่วง ดวงตะวันระบายแรงอุ่น
ชายหนุ่มปล่อยความคำนึงล่องลอยไกล…และคอย….

บางวูบความคะนึงถึงของเขาเสมือนคุก
บางวูบกลับเสมือนวัง กาลเวลาล่วงแล้วสองชั่วโมง

เขาฆ่าเวลา เวลาฆ่าเขา
แต่เขายังคงคอย ความคาดหวังเริ่มปวดร้าว
เขาผู้รักษาคำมั่น มือมิได้เขียนไว้เป็นอักษร
แต่หัวใจไม่เคยลืมคำสั่งของมัน

โต๊ะตัวนี้ใช่ วันที่วันนี้ก็ใช่ ชั่วโมงนาทีนี้ก็ใช่

เขาสองคนเคยลั่นวาจาไว้ว่า…หนึ่งปี
จนถึงวันๆนี้ เขาจะพบกันที่นี่ที่เดิม สองคนให้สัญญาต่อกันไว้
ทั้งปิติทั้งปวดร้าว สองความรู้สึกที่ไล่ล้อกันในห้วงคะนึง
ทั้งความหวัง ทั้งใจที่พังทลายก็เช่นกัน

คำที่ชาร์ล ดิคเก้น เคยเขียนไว้ วันนี้เขาเพิ่งเข้าใจ
…It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times
It was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair
We had everything before us,
we had nothing before us

…เวลานี้ดีที่สุด และเวลานี้ก็เลวร้ายที่สุด…

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God’s Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, “Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.”

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored.
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
“I wonder where my sorrows could be.”

He smiled a gentle smile and said,
“My child, they’re all here with me.”

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?
“My child, the gold is for you to count your
blessings, The black is for you to let go.”

We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Send this to a friend today just to let them
know you are thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life:

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends
But the treasure inside for you to see
Is the treasure of friendship you’ve granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you…

My husband follows me everywhere

On a wall in a ladies room . . . “My husband follows me everywhere”
Written just below it . . . ” I do not!”

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They’re married.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

ยี่หร่า – เก็บมาจาก Fwd.Mail ค่ะ

He and She

IT IS ALWAYS GUYS WHO ARE ROMANTIC!
AND GIRLS ALWAYS PUT THEM DOWN!!!

HE : I’m a photographer.i’ve been looking for a face like yours!
SHE : I’m a plastic surgeon.i’ve been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE : Hi!didn’t we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE : Must’ve been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE : May i have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE : No,i’d like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must’ve been given your share!!!

HE : Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE : It’s hot!!!

HE : I’d go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE : Okay,but would you stay there?

HE : Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry! i’m having a headache this weekend!!!

HE : Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE : Go on ,don’t be shy.Ask me out!
SHE : Okay,get out!!!

HE : I think i could make you very happy
SHE : Why,are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if i asked u to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. i can’t talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE : Can i have your name?
SHE : why,don’t you already have one?

HE : Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I’ve already seen it!!!

HE : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!